So last week I had writer’s block… or so I thought…
I couldn’t write anything decent. Honestly, sometimes I’m just lazy, but this was not one of those times. I seriously felt unable to type a single sentence.
I knew that all you amazing ladies would forgive me for not writing, but it was a little more complicated than that. See, I am finishing up an ebook. Yes, the one about surrender that I promised you guys months ago! Also the one that was done a year ago, and the same one God has been laying on my heart to finish ever since. So I finally got it edited, and was just suppose to make a few last minute changes as recommended by my editor. But I had nothing…
And then, as if this was not enough, life came crashing down: Sick kids, problems at my husband’s job, computer hick-ups (not good if you have online businesses) and a few emails from “well meaning people” that made me doubt my own sanity …
I couldn’t understand why I felt so overwhelmed. Why didn’t I have any peace? Could I possibly be slipping? This could not be happening!
Now I have to admit that I briefly turned to a candy bar (only one, thank you Jesus!). After that I had a talk with myself: “Now come on Heleen, you should know better! What do you always tell your friends? Okay, stay calm, think! Of course, I have to get back to my program… ”
So for two days and two nights I scanned my program. I anxiously flipped through the Bible. I listened to Beth Moore, Joyce Meyer and all the other ladies of wisdom that I knew. Nothing. My peace was really gone!
Next I started talking to people: My husband pretended to listen to my strange rantings and my friends nodded sympathetically. Still, nothing! No major words of wisdom, and no revelation. I was not binging (yet) but I felt stuck and my anxiety escalated as the problems and relationship issues around me multiplied.
I’m sure you can see what went wrong, but I couldn’t see it for the life of me: I DID NOT TURN TO GOD!
When I finally connected the dots, I prepared myself for a long talk with the only ONE that can help me. I made sure the kids were otherwise occupied. I stretched myself out on my bedroom carpet, a box of Kleenex next to my right ear and my open Bible by the left ear. I waited…
“It’s the Devil”
Just that! No big revelation. No long heart-to-heart that makes me cry off all my make-up. All this time it was enemy attacks and I couldn’t see it?
When I got over my initial shock I saw it as clear as day. Indeed, the enemy knew I had to finish this. He also knows that PROCRASTINATION is the opposite of CONSISTENCY, something God has been teaching me in order for me to stay out of bondage!
In the past I would just PROCRASTINATE as a way of life, but since God has been showing me how crucial CONSISTENCY is, I tend to resist the urge to procrastinate. So the enemy knew he had to work a little harder, throw some pebbles and boulders in my path to wear me out and hurt my feeling. Sure enough, that did it.
I realized that my mistake was not in getting discouraged when all this trouble came my way. My mistake was in trying to fix it myself. As always God is teaching me to give up control and cling to Him. He has the answers, all of them, for every season of my life.
This time it was as simple as looking beyond human behavior and seeing the enemy’s evil scheme. I was reminded of Ephesians 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (NIV)
Just having my eyes opened to the truth immediately set me free from the load of depression and anxiety. I got up from my face, rebuked the enemy and started praising God. Our amazing, loving God, the God of all Eternity who holds the universe in His hands, and is on our side! I was so relieved to realize, once again, that I don’t have to fear, He is in control.
Peace came flooding in and my fingers started typing, and you are reading the result of that peace right now:)
So I’m off to finish that book, no matter what. Please pray for me as I am praying for you that you will not be fooled by the enemy’s schemes but that you will take up your armor and rise up, Mighty Warrior Princess!
So glad to know it’s not just me that deal with this stuff!! Thanks for being so honest about your life Heleen, it’s refreshing!and it means so much to me. I have been feeling more hopeful, believing that I might one day see total victory in this area of my life. It is a daily walk though, as you keep telling us. I am on week6 and God is doing great things. Thanks again for fighting the good fight:o)
Heleen, your honesty in sharing your personal struggles is so refreshing and inspiring. May the Holy Spirit fill you with His grace and with inspiration as you complete your book. It is such an important topic–surrender, one that I need much help with. God bless you, dear friend.