January 9, 2010

I am amazed today how free I feel compared to this time exactly 4 weeks ago, when I woke up only to immediately begin a binge and purge. To God be the glory, great things He has done! That day, 4 Saturday's ago, I cried out to the Lord as I had done many times before and then proceeded to spend the remainder of the morning on my computer going through website after website looking for help with my ED once and for all. I am so thankful to the Lord for leading me here. This site felt so right…nothing warning me against it…quite the opposite really as I felt drawn here. Now 4 weeks later, I have not had one binge or purge and I feel closer to God than I ever have in my entire walk with Him.
April

January 1, 2010

Hi Heleen!
Before I signed up for this program, I spent years trying to lose weight. Sometimes I did, sometimes I didn't. I am 51 years old and I have wreaked havoc on my body, mind and soul. I asked God to help me lose weight through all those years but I still got nowhere. Looking back I see that I was asking Him to help me lose weight, not deal with why I was so heavy. It was when I cried out, "God, I can't do this anymore! I am helpless!" that He led me straight to your program. I had no idea that I had an eating disorder. It honestly never occurred to me. Eating disorders, in my mind, were anorexia or bulimia, not binging and stuffing yourself to the point you're sick.

Something God has taught me through your program is that once I pray for His help I need to accept it. That may sound silly but when I began to see I really wasn't interested in His way of doing things I realized why He couldn't help me. I had so many control issues and perfectionist ways that no one could really help me. Thanks to your teaching in this program my eyes have been opened to that and I have come to a place where I trust God to help me overcome…however He chooses to do so!

I was reading something in my journal from August of 2007. Here is some of what I wrote…As a Christian I have desired to do the ‘right’ things. I want to live right, act right, be right, and pray right. Lately I’ve seen my motive for doing this has not necessarily been correct. I have done this because I want those around me to see that I am living the Christian life by doing the right things. While this may not be bad in itself, I don’t believe it’s the motive that pleases God. And that is the underlying issue. The fact that I haven’t lived my life to please my Father, instead I have lived life to please myself. That’s rather hard to digest. I tell God all the time, "I want to be all You want me to be. I want all You have for me in this life while I’m here on the earth." But in reality I have hindered His ability to complete His work in me simply because I have refused to allow Him total access in this area of my life. I really think I’m on to something here. The question is, "What am I going to do about it?"

It’s been over two years since I wrote the words above. I just completed the 12 week on-line program this month. When I first wrote those words I did not see the issue of control or perfectionism in my life, but I can clearly see them now. Praise God, He did not leave me where I was! I have a long way to go but I am making tremendous progress. The scales are coming off my eyes, one layer at a time. I believe with all my heart that one of the keys that unlocks the door to freedom starts with absolute surrender. Without it I am traveling on a never ending road that leads me NOWHERE! Another key is obedience…choosing to walk the path He has chosen for me.

My heart truly seeks all God has for me, and I can now say this with a new level of confidence in God…not myself…I cannot get there in my own self effort. I simply must make the decision to do things His way, in His time, if I want to experience the "all" I am seeking.

A whole new door opened for me when you added the forum for members to be able to communicate with each other. It has been a tremendous encouragement for me to be in touch with other women who are going through the same things I am. Even though our eating disorders are not exactly alike we struggle with so many of the same issues. I find it very healing to share my thoughts with them. It helps me see I am not a basket case and that I’m not alone. There really are other women like me out there! And your continuous encouragement to us is like icing on the cake, Heleen.

I am so happy God led me to your program, Heleen! I hope and pray that God will lead women from all over the world to you…just like He did me!

2009

*If you are a young woman who struggle with food this testimony of God's provision and grace will be very encouraging to you. Our God is so good!!

Hi Heleen! I have never contacted you before, but I'd like to say thank you so much for this program. It has totally changed my life around. I have been a member since about October and I have been keeping up with your videos, advice and prayers ever since! But I've been meaning to email you before and tell you a little bit about myself. Well first of all, I'm 16! Fairly young, but I fell into this trap of eating disorders when I was freshman in highschool. I would starve myself, binge, and eventually turned to vomiting to the extreme! For the last 3 years, Ive secretly struggled through this on my own. I would act like everything was ok but actually my soul would be crying inside. The whole idea of being perfect, pleasing people, and being skinny was imbedded in my mind. And this was crazy for me! I should of been so thankful for my life. I have an amazing family. My parents are wonderful, christian people who are deeply in love with each other and provide me and my sister with their love and friendship and give us everything they can offer. I am truly blessed. I know that.. But oh wow my eating disorder took over my life and mind and I was loosing control. I was so scared to tell anyone because eating disorders are so uncommon within my family. I didnt want my mom to think i was weird and stop loving me.. I hid my problem for so long and I can't even explain how bad it got. I couldnt live the life of starving myself to be skinny so i would throw up all the time and became obssed with food! Anywhere and anytime, the enemy would attack me and before i knew it I couldnt control myself to stop eating.. You know how it goes, haha but I just want to explain my situation. So my life was falling apart. My mom and my sister have always been like bestfriends to me and they knew something was wrong. I would randomly cry, be in grouchy moods, and isolate myself from friends and everyone! I would just tell them that life and school was hard for me and i was depressed. I never ever admitted the problem was food! I kept denying it. But after years of falling and beating myself up, one day i just broke down to my mom and cried. I cried that i had a problem with food and I wanted to get help so bad. My heart craved to find my true self again, and Jesus was nudging me to surrender. My mom just hugged me and told me It would be ok and I would get help, but I knew she didnt really understand my situation at that point, so it was my job to explain the disorder and how i felt. This was definaltly the hardest thing I had to do in my life! But afterwards I felt relief wash over me and my mother's care soothed my soul. It wasn't long until my mom made a doctors appointment for me to get me checked out. My doctor is a young women so she was very nurturing as well. She recommended I see a counsler but in my heart i was scared to death to see one! No one could understand my problem like I did! I got home and researched eating disorder programs and omg i found you! The fact that it was christian, and a real expierenced lady, and a life long membership, I didnt have to think about it long, I signed up right away girl! And the program was even incrediably better than i thought! Once I started, I fell in love! It has been EXACTLY what i need! It fits me perfect! I just want to thank you so much for making this for women. Its awesome. My faith has grown so much and my relationship with Jesus and God and the Holy Spirit just keeps growing deeper. It has been about 3 months on your program and Im doing so good, im so proud. I am maturing into a strong faithed young lady. My mom and my sister are the only people that know (besides my doctor) and they have given me such amazing support. They pray with me and watch your videos with me. Their faith has also been affected and has grown as well. I have been pacing my self though throughout your program and so i just ended week 3. I really needed to get the spirtually aspect of it down and corrected in my life first. Ive started the 40 day warfare and i bought the Purpose Driven book and aww i love it! Heleen thank you so much! Im really finding the true me. I hope to continue staying strong and keeping Jesus close for the rest of my life. I will be a senior in high school next year and then going off to college so I really needed to get my life straight and you have helped me. At first, I didnt think it was possible to overcome this and it scared me to death. But this program has blessed my life so much..Thanks again! I just thought I'd let you know a little bit about myself and I will try to keep you updated about how im doing. Your an amazing lady, God bless you! I hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas! :)
Sincerly,
Christine **Name is changed to protect privacy**

I am so excited about a lady in Kazakhstan who has been a member now for a few months. She is learning English, but her daughter had to translate most of the material for her. Below is a letter from her daughter, testifying how God has been healing her mom, but also touched her as she was translating. What an amazing God we serve!!

I can't thank you enough for this program that you put together. God is using you in a tremendous way in my life. Week 6 has been the beginning of a break through for me. Your own testimony about the thoughts Satan puts in your head was so touching. For the longest time I thought I was the only person in the world who felt this way. So many times I have thought that I just had a wicked heart. But the truth is that my heart is good. The Holy Spirit lives there and these thoughts are from Satan! How could I have been so blind for so long? Satan has been using me as a punching bag. I know there is much work to do...much reprogramming of my mind.

I did want to share with you that I've been hearing from God again! It has been so long and now just to be in his presence and to think of how he loves us! He is the ONLY one who can fill this emptiness inside of me. I had a great day yesterday...absolutely great...and I can only imagine the rest of my life that way...free from this eating disorder. Of course today the fight was on. I had to keep refuting Satan over and over and over and even now my thoughts keep straying, but I know where my strength lies! I know where my help comes from! I am reminded of a phrase Joyce Meyer uses in one of her books..."I'm not where I need to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be. I'm OK and I'm on my way!"
Thank you again for listening and sharing and teaching! God Bless YOU!
Rachel

Hi Heleen,
I just wanted to drop you a note to thank you for sharing your journal. I have been feeling discouraged lately, having a couple "good" days followed by a couple bad. And I am so familiar with all of the thoughts and feelings that you write about in your journal. I am only on day 6, but I can't wait to read the rest. What a blessing to know that I am not alone. I am not an especially bad case, I am not hopeless, and God still loves me. I can't say thank you enough. God is using your story to heal me. Thank you!!!!
Rachel

2008

Thank you so much for all your wonderful and encouraging words. It really kept me going when I felt like giving up at times. Our God is so faithful, and I can not take credit for any of the wonderful things He has done in your lives, however, I am so glad and feel so privileged to be part of the "miracle ride"!

**Please note that I sometimes used fake names in order to protect your identity and privacy.

"Thank you so much, Heleen!!! I have been on it for some time now and have been in tears (good tears). It amazes me of how much of yourself you poured into this program to help people like myself and for such a small price!!! I can tell that it's DEFINITELY NOT money you are interested in, but rather seeing women being set free!!! I can never thank you (and especially God) enough for this gift. I already told my prayer partner who also struggles with food (not bulimia) and she's going to take a look at the website. I believe God is doing infinitely more than we could ever imagine....thank you, thank you, thank you!!!"
Julie

"As a word of encouragement to you, I want to commend you for a few things. First of all, throughout your online study, I am struck over and over again by your sincerity. The daily recordings of you talking mean so much more because it is clear that you are speaking from your heart (and not just from words off a page). One really gets the sense that they are not walking through this alone. If that was your intent of this ministry, believe me, you have been successful at achieving this! For a sin as shameful as an eating disorder that absolutely leads to excessive alienation and aloneness, the fact that you are walking with us each day is HUGE!

Secondly, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to type up and then post your entire 40 day journal. I literally spent almost my entire Sunday (yesterday) reading it and I am not exaggerating when I say that I think I underlined 75% of it because I could not get over how EVERYTHING you were saying was like coming from my experience! I was brought to tears numerous times mostly because of the relief I felt knowing that I am not alone in the crazy things I have experienced with this food addiction. It took a lot of guts for you to essentially post your heart on the internet like that but TRUST me when I say that that was one of the greatest gifts you could have given to this community. I am so grateful for your ministry.

Heleen, thank you for being the woman that you were and are and that you stuck it out, and fought the enemy and fell, but bounced back, strove with all your heart to know the Lord, but most of all was obedient to His call for you to use your experience to bless and help others. I speak on behalf of ALL of us who suffer from this sickness of eating disorders, THANK YOU!!!!

I feel very hopeful about all of this..."
Hannah

"Heleen, I got your email about how I am doing. I bought this course about five months ago. I want to thank you for writing this. I was really one of the ladies you talk about that wanted to have everything change in 12 weeks or nothing... so when I didn't see any weight loss around week 8 I just gave up. My sister told me about a new herbal pill on the market that take you apetite away and I got some. I lost some pounds and felt better, but then after a month I didn't loose anymore and I became scared and anxious. I started eating and thowing up again and I was so confused. But then I remembered that you talked about the dangerous methods and to lay it down. I went back to your progrma and me and a friend start to do it together. For the first time I feel as if I am really giving up the dangerous methods and learning to trust god. Thank you for everything because it has now been 3 months that i didn't throw up and I am going through you course again and listen to the videos every day. god bless you."
Belinda

"I am encouraged that I'm not the only one that feels the way I do. Reading your journal entries was like someone wrote it exactly about me. I have a hard time surrendering and up until you explained it I had know idea how. Thank you for putting this course out there for those of us with eating disorders it's a struggle but with God on our side it's more bearable. I do want to be free from this. It has abused me in one way or another for almost 18 years and I'm tired. But you're right it's scary to let go. Satan has made me believe that my eating disorder is who I am, it has become I'm identity. I am looking forward to one days seeing myself the way God sees me and actually loving myself. I'm looking forward to the day when that awful emptiness deep down in my soul is gone and I am truly happy and at peace. I understand that it won' t happen over night and that it will take a lot of work on my part but for the first time I can see that their is hope and I'm thankful that God hasn't giving up on me yet.

Thanks again for this course."
Mandy

"What I love about your program, however, is hard to explain in words, but let me try! First, your honest heart and your gentle voice (something rare these days). Secondly, (and this is where it's hard to explain)... you know how someone can say the same thing to you as someone else, but has a different way of doing so? That is what I find with your program...I track with you wonderfully (with that one exception), and it hits me in a whole new way...it causes me to look at something in a way I never looked before. I am not afraid to have God search my heart anymore...I want HIM to!!! I don't feel that your words condemn me, Heleen, or that they are watered down in any way...they just resonate with the deepest part of my spirit."
Sarah

"I am not where I want to be with all of this, but after going back and back to your course (for 7 months now) I have finally see God break the bond of addiction in my body. I can now walk into stores without thinking about buying food. I dont' have this fear when I go to costco that I will want to eat all the yummy things they put out. I just don't have the draw to those things anymore. I know this seems small but to me this is a very big thing. I have been a people pleaser like you and I had to build up my strenght to stop pleaseing people and say no. My pastor's wife helped me a lot with that too, and I think this is part of why I now don't care about binging on food anymore. Thank you."
Emily

My favorite! Thank you Jesus!

"I am so grateful for Heleen's program. I'm on week 3 and getting so much out of it. And yes, I have accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior!
Thank you, and God bless you!"
Joyce