A TESTIMONY: Replacing LIES with TRUTH

Guilt and Shame turned into Joy and Peace

I had this nagging feeling of guilt and shame that followed me around for years. I thought at times that there was something seriously wrong with me. I could never just do something without second guessing myself. I could never wear something without getting someone else’s approval. I felt so ashamed of my own behavior and choices. I was sure that I could never make the right decisions and I was convinced that I never acted the way I should.

I read a lot of books to try and make myself as perfect as possible.
Entertaining people was the worst. I would go over every detail and double check everything. I would run around like a maniac to make sure that every one was absolutely taken care of and that no one was feeling uncomfortable. And then when everyone left I would chastise myself about everything I did wrong, even though it was as close as perfect as it could be.

It felt like I had this harsh, abusive parent inside me that was chastising me from dawn till dusk.  I would constantly berate myself by calling myself a fat slob. I would think about little mistakes I made, things that I would never hold against someone else, and yet I would tell myself that I am such an idiot, so stupid and that I will never amount to anything. This self abuse went on and on, and although I hated it, I was sure that there was nothing I could do about it. I was just very hard on myself and that was the end of the story.

If anything went wrong, even at someone else’s house, I would feel guilty and somehow responsible. If someone would do something embarrassing in public, I would feel such shame, as if it was happening to me. I could never understand this. How is it possible that I could feel guilt and shame for the mistakes and sins of others, people I hardly knew, sometimes total strangers?

I prayed a lot about this. I didn’t get it until I was breaking free from eating disorders. I realized, through the guidance of the Holy Spirit, that I didn’t really get the whole impact of the fact that Jesus gave me a new heart.
Although I’ve heard these words many times, I got it for the first time:
I’m a new creation!
I’m not a sinner with a bad heart anymore!
The Holy Spirit lives in me and I am clean, I have good intentions and thoughts and I don’t have to be ashamed or feel guilty anymore?

So why did I still have these thoughts and feelings of shame and guilt?
I started to check these thoughts and realized that they sometimes just came up in my head, randomly, as if out of thin air.
Could these be attacks of the enemy? Could it be that Satan suggests these thoughts to me? Do I just assume that they are mine, and in turn think that I am still a wicked person?

In the past I would always tell friends that I have such an evil and wicked heart.  But now I knew better: Jesus washed me white as snow. Those thought that came up in my mind didn’t belong to me. I wasn’t guilty anymore. I don’t have to be ashamed of my filthy state anymore, because I was clean!

I started rebuking the enemy when a thought of guilt and shame came into my mind. I would make a mistake, and when the thought of shame came, I would stop it in midair, rebuke the enemy, and tell myself that I am entitled to mistakes. I have been made Holy, not perfect, and that’s okay, nobody is perfect.

I am free from GUILT and SHAME today and in the place of that God has given me JOY  and PEACE. I never felt true joy before this. I would always feel a nagging feeling of shame, even in my happiest moments. But not anymore. Christ has set me free from guilt and shame.

I finally started seeing how Satan used shame and guilt in my life. See if you can relate:

Here’s how he does it:

• He whispers a thought of guilt and shame in your ear

• You start to dwell on it, re-visiting your guilt, and clothing yourself with shame

• Then he tells you that you simply have a rotten heart, that there is actually nothing good about you, and you believe him, because by now you can actually feel the guilt and shame.

• You reach for some ice cream, turn on the TV, and zone out because you don’t want to feel the shame and guilt anymore. But you are aware of the pain in your heart, the underlying feeling that you are actually a failure and you don’t deserve a better life or to be loved.

What if you rejected the thoughts of guilt and shame that came your way?
An enormous feeling of relief and freedom will flood your being when you tell Satan to shut-up. Then go to the truth of God’s Word and realize that YOUR HEART is right before Him.
You are not a bad person. ON THE CONTRARY, you are a PRINCESS, a DAUGHTER of the KING OF KINGS!

Envy and Insecurity turning into Love and Contentment

I wish I could say that this is a battle I’ve completely won, but that would not be true. I have read many wonderful books that I will recommend to you in Day 3 of this week along the way to help me in this area, because I truly needed all the help I could get. I’m still a work in progress, but ask God almost daily to extract areas of envy and insecurity from my life and keep filling me with His love and contentment.

Being envious or comparing yourself to others will sap your energy and leave you feeling empty and insecure. We have to investigate these feelings and see what’s going on. Sometimes we’re just plain jealous because of a lack of love. According to the Bible we should have love that is not jealous (1 Cor 13). So if we’re up against the infamous green eye monster there is nothing left to do but repent of our envy. We should also ask God to give us contentment and a thankful heart for the person He made us and the talents and blessings we have. I’ve experienced this kind of envy/jealousy that comes straight from the enemy many times in my life, and the only thing that helped was to repent and ask God to give me love for the person instead.

However, I found that envy can also be a indicator of our own longings  and heart’s desires that lay dormant, deep inside us.

For a season in my life, I  felt a deep envy towards women on the worship team in our church. I couldn’t understand it at first, but later I realized that it was all connected to a deep desire I had to lead worship again, something I did years ago. It was not really jealousy, but rather an indication of my own desire to be up there, a desire and dream that I hid away in a corner of my heart. When I started talking to God about it, he confirmed it and I knew that the right thing to do was for me to pursue that dream again. When I did, the envy disappeared.

The same same kind of envy came over me towards some of my friends who had careers. I have been home with my kids for many years and although it can be difficult at times, I loved being home and home schooling. Yet, I had this sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach when another women told me about her career.

Eventually I started talking to God about this. What was going on? Did I think that what I did wasn’t really meaningful? Did I think that I had to have a career to be valuable? I knew my value was supposed to be seated in Christ, but it sure seemed as if I didn’t believe it anymore.

Again, only after some time did I start to think that there might be some unfulfilled dream rather than jealousy. I didn’t necessarily wanted to work outside the home, and I knew that I still wanted to home school, so what was this about?
Finally the Holy Spirit nudged me towards a desire to write that I had for a long time. I made a few attempts to pursue this dream in the past, but the enemy would block me at every turn. It was time to pursue this dream with zeal. I was ready. I prepared for war: I would fight for my dreams. When I started fighting for this dream, the envy towards other women disappeared.

How ingenious of our God to use something the enemy meant for bad and turn it into something good. He used envy in these instances as a guide to point me in the right direction.

Click here to go to the next section: “You can do it”

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