A TESTIMONY: Getting rid of Fad Diet and Dangerous Methods

I tried fasting…

I tried fasting a few times while I was still struggling with an eating disorder and it didn’t work so well for me. The moment I stopped eating I would feel panic grip my heart and before I know it I would be binging, even though I might not have done that for a long time.

Once when I was fasting I did so good with the fast and lost a lot of weight, although this started out for Spiritual purposes and with the right motive, it now turned to my weight. I was so pleased to feel in “control” again that I secretly made a plan to keep this up for as long as it takes and so get to my goal weight. The problem is, my body couldn’t keep up the fast, and when it turned on me and I binged, I felt like such a failure. I fell in such a deep hole that I felt my only way out was to throw up, although I have been free from bulimia at that point for many years. I had that desperate feeling of wanting to erase my “mistake” and get my perfect record back. I didn’t throw up that day and God helped me to get back on track, but it took a while. It did however taught me a lesson on how the enemy will use anything, even something as Biblical and powerful as fasting, against us.

I have talked to a friend who is still struggling to overcome anorexia. She told me that she used to love fasting, it was a sure way of “legalizing” her anorexia, and people would believe her to be so spiritual. She could get away with her disorder for a while without any questions being asked.

So I still fast, but only for a few days, and only when I am sure I heard from God, not to please other people or to do what everybody else is doing.

I tried diet pills…

Actually I abused diet pills for many years. This was during the 80′s and 90′s when diet pills were still widely available over the counter and before the ephedrine scare. It started innocently: A friend told me that she had been using the over the counter diet pills, that it’s an absolute miracle and that she has lost so much weight. I could see it on her too! Nothing carries as much weight as seeing you friend wearing a smaller size, I was an instant believer!

The pills worked great. This felt like such a relief to me. I wasn’t hungry. I could just say NO. I could never before do that! I was able to just nibble on a small piece of chicken and a little salad as if I possessed all the self control in the world. People stared; women with envy and men with admiration. I loved the fact that I could be so in control. I love control, period,  and this was the one area that kept on eluding me. I found my answer and I was hooked.

I lost so much weight, and the best part, when I had a little craving for chocolate or something sweet, especially “that time of the month”, I could eat a chocolate and have only that for the whole day. In fact, if I didn’t want to eat at all, I didn’t have to, without even blinking. I loved it! How amazing to not be hungry, not have any cravings, to walk through the grocery isles with willpower of steel, looking at everything with a little smile of triumph: Looking at the poor hooked people with pity in my eyes.  I didn’t want any food, I didn’t need any food, I had full control!

As with all fairy tales, this was too good to be true. This “full control” only lasted for a little while and before I sensed a change; a little slack in my will power, a little craving here and there, until my appetite would eventually come back, stronger than before. I now know this increase in appetite was due to the months of depleting my body of much needed nutrients. This was devastating to me: How could I go back to “that” after I’ve tasted the feeling of absolute control? How could I again become one of the poor, defeated souls that I saw wandering through the bakery isles?

I just couldn’t go back, I was desperate. So what’s a girl to do, but up the dosage. I didn’t read about the complications, I didn’t want to know. I thought if I ignored it, it might go away. I was just so relieved to have a renewed surge of control: No appetite and no cravings. I became aware of another “benefit”: I had much more energy. I could stay awake when other “slobs” would need a nap, in fact, I could stay up till the wee morning hours. I could exercise every day of the week for hours. I didn’t need any rest – I almost felt invincible.

Looking back this all seems so abnormal, so unrealistic and yes so very, very dangerous. But when you’re caught up in the moment, caught up in the “high” of control, you become blind. As with any other addiction, you only see what you want to see, you ignore the warning signs, you just live for the euphoria. I can now see how the enemy used it all, how he presented me with a false “self-control”, how he fed me the same lies he fed Eve in the Garden of Eden. He told me that I could be god over my own life, I could decide how much I weigh, I could decide how much I sleep, I could sculpt my own body and my own future. The pride that filled me, I now realize, came straight from the enemy. I felt such contempt for the people that couldn’t get a grip on their own weight and lives. I felt so proud that I was not like them.

What really happened is that my health deteriorated every day. Lack of proper nutrition and sleep started to take it’s toll. The large amount of pills harmed my body in ways I can still not fully comprehend. I started suffering from issues with my digestive track, stomach, kidneys and skin. I also experienced anxiety and depression due to the lack of sleep. Finally I hit rock bottom with a big health scare and a wake-up call to the state of my marriage. I had to face the facts. I had to get sober.

This wasn’t easy, withdrawal consisted of months of food cravings, fatigue, weight gain and depression. I had to start from scratch and pick up the pieces. I had to find a healthy eating program, break free from food addiction and take off the layers of denial which was fueled by false pride for years.

The worst part is that throughout abusing diet pills and suffering from an eating disorder, I was actively involved in church, went to conferences and went through all the motions of living a holy life, yet my personal relationship with Jesus was almost non existent. Today I know that nothing matters as much as having a relationship with Jesus, it’s in that real, love relationship where we find truth, stay clean and stay free.

The enemy almost ruined my life with diet pills and eating disorders. This is way I want to beg you: Don’t go there, it’s not worth it, and if you’re already there, get out while there’s still time. The thin body you get is not real and it can not last. If you don’t stop using the pills, it will kill you prematurely. The “perfect body” you created is just a phantom, it can not last.

I have been free from using diet pills for many years, but every now and then someone will tell me about some “magic pill” and I always have to resist the enemy’s draw. It’s not so hard anymore, because once you’ve tasted the truth and ran free, you don’t easily believe the lie or walk back into the chains. But I am not ignorant of the enemy’s plans. The Bible warns us that he goes around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. I know that he wants nothing more than to enslave the free and to keep the enslaved in bondage. I fight to stay free! I know that I have to be actively engaged in this war daily, this is the only way to live: Free in Christ!

I tried throwing up…

It’s never fun talking about these things, and especially bulimia. I guess because it’s just so gross. Ever talked to someone and they mention that they can not for the life of them think how people can purposely make themselves throw up?

Well, for one, you have to be desperate. It is definitely gross and then some, so only a desperate person would go to such lengths. And even then; you hate the behavior, which make your self-hatred grow daily. It is so embarrassing and if someone would find out, you know that you will never survive the shame. So the secrecy around bulimia is enormous and it takes a huge effort and amount of time and energy to keep it hidden.
At least people pity someone who stops eating, and they shake their heads in disbelief if they hear the story about abusing diet pills or fad diets, but bulimia makes them cringe and discreetly avoid you. You know how people react, so you never tell, not even your closest friend, you simply can’t take the risk.

So people with bulimia tend to alienate themselves from everyone they know and the enemy loves this. It’s a foolproof plan of his: If he can get us alone he can overpower us because we are vulnerable and we have only our own confused thoughts instead of the Truth, the Holy Spirit and the people of God to guide us.

It didn’t take me as long to let go of this “method” of weight loss. I was desperate when I started gaining weight and couldn’t use diet pills any more, so I turned to purging. I wasn’t very “good” at it though, I seemed to just maintain my weight instead of loosing any, and this was not good enough. I also hated the behavior profusely and the shame and self-hatred that came with it was devastating. I didn’t feel any of the pride and the “high” that I felt when I abused diet pills. I felt depressed and miserable, and I was very aware of my “rotten” state.

So I tried giving it up by not binging, but this didn’t work. Before I knew it I would binge, and then of course, I couldn’t bear the consequences (weight gain) so I had to purge. This went on for a while, and at this point I was crying out to God to help me. My heart was starting to turn, I was finally getting out of the woods of denial and pride, I could finally see that I needed a Savior and that I was in fact lost and in bondage.

I started crying out to God to help me and I heard the Holy Spirit voice telling me to interrupt the cycle at a different point: I should stop the purging, not the binging. It was fear of weight gain that made me purge, but it was the fact that I still had the backdoor open to purging that caused me to still binge. So I forced myself to not purge even though I might just have binged on thousands of calories. This was so difficult and sometimes I failed, because fear would grip my heart and the enemy would tell me that I will soon be weighing 500 pounds.

It was only when I started engaging in warfare, and began to rebuke the enemy and refute his lies with the truth of God’s Word (especially the truth about His love for me) that I could turn away from purging altogether. Eventually the binging became less as well, seeing that I knew I didn’t have that back door of purging open any more. I started facing the fact that if I binge, I had to deal with the consequences.

There is always this fight going on inside of us: We are pulled to the dark side and we crave it, yet we are also drawn to the Light and we yearn for God and a life filled with His life and abundance. I needed to learn about this conflict going on inside of me; it’s there in every decision I make, it’s there in every thought I think,  and eventually in everything I do I  will reach for either life or death. The Bible clearly states that we will obey the one we serve. So if our hearts are sold out to Jesus, we will almost always reach for life, even though death is also pulling us. But unfortunately if we are taken captive by Satan through food addiction or whatever stronghold he uses, we find it very hard to make a decision, think a thought or reach towards life. When we’re in captivity the pull towards death seems almost too strong to resist.

I thank God that he showed me the truth: The Bible says that it is the Holy Spirit who draws us and this draw to the Light and to life is much stronger and clearer that the enemy’s pull. The catch: Our hearts have to be sold out to Jesus. So it all comes back to the heart again. That is why I can not change my conviction that this struggle with food can never be won except we fall in love with Jesus. I tried a dozen other methods, I thought there simply must be something more substantial, something I can do. Yet after all my trying and searching, this is what I found:
Stop striving, wait in God’s presence, let His Holy Spirit guide me to repentance, and let His Son take my heart captive forever.

Don’t get me wrong, there is our part: We can never forget that we are at war with Satan and that we have to be ready for his attacks daily. We have to strap on our armor, take up the Word, pray always and wait in God’s presence. But ultimately it is the King of kings who wins the battle, brakes our bonds and guides us through our days to live in victory.

I also tried fad diets without any success

FINALLY

I turned my focus to ENERGY and HEALTH instead of weight loss

It took me forever to lay down the obsession with weight loss. I still experience fleeting moments of it when I go shop for clothes and the things that are designed to fit a number 2 body looks horrendous on me.

This is one of those convictions that you can tell others about till you’re blue in the face, but only you and God will know when you finally got it and when you’re really ready to change.
What am I talking about: The vain obsession with outward appearance. You see at it’s root is really just pride, that little word that we so like to deny. “I don’t have pride, I don’t care that much about how I look, I’m not preoccupied with my appearance”. Sounds familiar?

I still have to lay it down daily, but at least I got it (of course according to what I just said, you won’t know whether that’s really true). I think it is very much a female thing as well, we love to look good and feel good and be beautiful. And that’s not bad, that is actually exactly the way God created us, and we should all be able to see how beautiful God made us and how special women are to Him. This is exactly the problem though, we don’t. The enemy made every woman insecure and self conscious, especially in the company of other women. We should celebrate each other’s individual beauty and the way God chose to shine differently through each one of us, but we slave for hours, trying to imitate the airbrushed women in magazines and then more hours stressing about the fact that we didn’t succeed. We look for the perfect outfit, shoes, make up and yet inside we feel sad, angry and depressed.

We hate the competition, and yet we are stuck in it. We want to be our self and yet we’re either not sure who that is or we are to afraid to be rejected if we dare show her to the world. It’s time, don’t you think. The enemy has used us against each other for too long. Women suffer from severe eating disorders, because they can not just be who God made them to be.

So in order to get my attention off the dreadful competition and the obsession with my body, I started focusing more on my health and how I can get more energy. This worked so well for me because it is a much bigger motivator than weight loss. When I started feeling the rush of my body’s natural energy after eating well and exercising for a while, I was hooked. It is so different than getting high on caffeine, diet pills or energy drinks. There’s not guilt, no depression, just energy and love for life.

Also, taking care of my body, feels so good. I can see myself growing old and enjoying my grand kids. I can see my skin and hair glowing and I can see God smiling on this wonderful temple he created.

I stopped the Life of PANIC and opted for CONSISTENCY

I finally had enough of all the moments of Panic that governed my life. I would ride the wave of eating fairly normal for a while and then it hit me: A Birthday, A Wedding, A Christmas Party, A Church Picnic, A Graduation, A Funeral, oh the list goes on…

Every time I had to display myself publicly, especially around family and friends I haven’t seen for a while I would feel the lump in my throat: I couldn’t breathe. There was a knot in the pit of my stomach and I knew it wouldn’t go away until after the affair that I was about to embark on.

I hated these things, so I started hating life, because life is full of them. I would go into a complete tailspin: Have to lose weight, have to get a diet, have to hit the gym, have to get a dress, have to get a haircut, have to be a complete new person and be quick at it! I actually want to cry thinking about it. How much did I abuse this poor girl God created with so much care?

The only thing that stopped the madness was CONSISTENCY. I had to find a program or a way of life that I could do every day of my life, for the rest of my life. I needed to be okay so that I didn’t have to “get better” every time something came up. I had to be eating well, exercising and taking good care of myself every day. This takes so much of the pressure off. The programs that I found, which I could follow consistently for years on end was the ones who helped me take my focus off  food, helped me take care of my body so that I had energy, gave me peace about my choices and helped me lose weight and maintain it. I found First Place,  Weight Watchers, and Take Shape for Life to be such programs.

Obviously even the best of programs didn’t mean a thing earlier in my life when I was still in denial about my pride and my idolatry. It was only when I gave my heart back to God, pursued His presence every day of my life and turned my back on my idols, that everything changed and I could consistently keep to a solid program.

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