Week 12 B

A TESTIMONY: Heleen’s Story up until now…

10 Years Free from Bulimia!

I’ve just updated the program (2011) so if you’re reading it after this year it would obviously be more, but this month (July) is exactly 10 years since God has set me free from diet pills and the binging and purging cycle of Bulimia.

It took a journey and a lot of healing, but there was a definite time when I knew something happened and that I would never be the same again. There’s a song that Darlene Zschech of Hillsong sings “I will never be the same again…” I heard this song years ago when God brought freedom to this area of my life, and I have been singing it every since. I especially hold on to the verse “There are higher hights, there are deeper seas, whatever you need to do, Lord do in me, The Glory of God fills my life and I will never be the same again”

Patience with the growth process

I am not very patient and the hardest thing that I had to do was to wait for God’s timing for my healing. I wanted it yesterday and I wanted it all done at once. It didn’t work that way. I have seen and heard of people who had it happen like that, but they are by far in the minority. So I had to learn to trust God with the His particular “plan of healing” for me.

I know He was trying to teach me patience, but He was really also testing my heart and testing my motives. I told you ladies before that my relationship with God consisted for a long time of me asking Him to make me skinny. It wasn’t a sincere relationship, but rather me bargaining with God. The biggest mistake I made was to think that He didn’t know. As if He’s not God Almighty who can see in the heart of every human. I am ashamed when I think of that, but I have asked God to forgive me and help me love Him in a way that is worthy of Him. A pure and genuine way that has all to do with Him and nothing to do with what I can get out of Him for my own gain.

But in spite of all of this I still get impatient, because I don’t feel that I can say “I will never fall again” and I so want to say that. In these instances I argue with God that surely I have suffered enough and have enough patience by now. Can He not just speak a word now and let it be done. But then there are times when I just come before Him, so in awe of His beauty, so in love with Him that I just blurt it out: “Oh Lord I don’t care if I will never be totally free from this, I don’t care if you never give me anything again, just let me love you like this for the rest of my life”

And indeed it is this attitude that kept me going. It is in this “making peace” with the fact that I probably will have to deal with fall and getting up (obviously in a lesser fashion) for the rest of my life, that I felt some peace come over me. By not reaching for the perfect track record anymore, I have actually given things over to God’s time table. I am doing what I can to keep things going, but if I slip, I don’t beat myself up anymore. I don’t go into a three year relapse anymore and I don’t think: I will never be free from this. Because, really I am free. Every day that I give this struggle over to the Holy Spirit I am free. Every time I start to think about food a lot and start to buy things I haven’t bought in a long time, I know to check my spiritual thermometer.

So come to think of it: If God is using this to keep me close to him, isn’t it then a blessing in disguise

I still have times when I look at people’s houses that are just spotless and so beautifully decorated and I think about picking up my slack and get things ships shape (really perfect in my mind) again. But just for a minute, then I remember the anxiety, the binging, and the stress that goes with it and I let it go.

I definitely have moments where I just want a certain someone to like me more and I let go of my boundaries and overextend myself, but just for a moment, then I sigh, pick up the phone and let them know that I made a mistake, I would after all not be able to do that. I put the phone down, shake of the guilt and thank God for freedom.

None of this is easy, there’s a price to pay: No more compliments about your spotless house, no more admiration from young mothers about your awesome ability to juggle so many things at once, no more bragging with your long list of things to do, no more special mentioning at the year end function of the women’s ministry of your devoted service and enormous supply of energy.

However, the reward is priceless: Freedom, freedom, freedom and a special place in the arms of the one you now know as counselor, friend, savior, husband, helper, and everlasting Father. Also real friendships with men without any ulterior motives and with women without their insecurities standing on end.

Hard times with food during the last 1o years…

I know you probably hoped that I never fall anymore, and that I could tell you that for the past 10 years I have never binged or looked at a fad diet. What I can tell you is: Seldom. These times of falling seems to happen when there is some area in my life that God wants to work on and I refuse to let Him. During times like these I inevitably turn back to my old lover: food. So if I can just get a clue, that will be helpful right?

Let me tell you about two specific incidents these past 10 years when I picked up my crutch of overeating again. I’m so grateful that I never opened the back door of huge binges and purging again, but I have to admit that I would start to ‘graze’ again during those times, and then start looking for a fad diet to help me with the weight gain.

After my baby girl was born – 2006:
By God’s grace my eating disorders didn’t flare up during my pregnancy with my cute little gift from God 5 years ago. However, afterward panic struck me because of the weight I had to lose. I wrote all about this in my 40 day journal here in the members area. The bottom line: I was looking for a quick fix because I hated the extra weight and I was scared that I would always look that way. After some kicking and screaming, I followed the same steps I’ve written down for you throughout this program. Basic Biblical principals of repenting from all unbelief, pride, and denial and letting the Holy Spirit search my heart and heal the things that still needed healing. After trying a few fad diets I finally turned to a decent program – Weight Watchers, and slowly shook off the weight and regained my peace with God’s help and the support of friends and WW groups.

The past year (2010 – 2011):
My close circle of friends and also those of you who have been faithfully following my blog will know that this past year has been a tough one on our family. My husband lost his job, couldn’t find another, and as a result we started up a bunch of internet businesses. We have been doing webdesign just for fun before and had a few e-commerce businesses that didn’t bring in a lot of money in the past, but now this became our main source of income. You can just imagine having your business smack in the middle of your home while trying to home school your kids and still support others… It was a nightmare at best. Our financial situation kept looking bleaker and the stress accumulated as the year went by. We are still pretty much in the thick of things, but I have at least found other schooling options for my children for the coming year and finally started surrendering this situation to God.

With all this busyness you can just imagine that I started spending less time with God, and less time in the Word. I’ve warned you ladies many times that if we don’t get washed by the water of the Word and lay our cares at Jesus’ feet in prayer that we start to “stink” because of the filth and worries of this world. This is exactly what happened to me this last year, and I turned to an old familiar outlet – food. I’m so grateful to God that I never turned back to serious binging and purging, however I started eating all day long to get rid of the stress – only it didn’t help of course.

My husband and I each picked up about 40 pounds, and the shame and guilt I felt became my daily companion. FINALLY I turned again to my own program (after reading an amazing testimony of a member and bawling my eyes out!)
I repented once more of the pride (that I could fix our situation by working super hard), the denial (that I’m still in control of my eating when I have not been for a year) and the unbelief (that God couldn’t not possibly save me AGAIN)

I also started crying out to God for a program to help both me and my husband lose the weight we have gained. Weight Watchers wasn’t working this time around – I tried doing it online but couldn’t attend a group meeting and because of no accountability I just dropped the ball every Friday afternoon. Our new schedule also left me with absolutely no time for regular shopping and menu planning, so after 12 hours behind the computer and going hours without food I kept just “giving up” and kept sending my husband to the closest take-out place. Tony was actually the one who found us something that could help in the midst of our crazy busy lives. He told me that friends of ours at a neighboring church was doing a program and that he and a bunch of other people at their church were losing tons of weight. I didn’t want to hear of it – meal replacements! It sounded like a fad diet to me if ever I’ve heard of one. I kept arguing with him about the price of the food and how I can just make similar healthy meals for us (as if I’ve not tried doing that many times before). Long story short, I reluctantly submit to my husband – the guy who in my mind “knew absolutely nothing about food stuff”. It ended up saving us both. It was actually the same plan that a friend of mine have used to lose ALL of her weight and maintained for two years. I’ve watched her but was too proud to ask before. I then started hearing of other people I know who have had the same amazing experience with lasting results because of the coaching that goes along with it. . You can go read all about my “skeptical journey” on the members forum: Heleen’s Journal on Take Shape for Life

The results were MORE THAN I EVER EXPECTED. I was wowed by the variety of food, the “hands-and-mind-off-food” place that I’ve entered by not having to slave over the stove preparing meals, the difference it made to have a coach work with you every step of the way, the fast weight loss, and the surge of energy which came as a result of eating 6 meals packed with vitamins, calcium, and protein every day.
I’m so grateful to God for yet another tool that I can pass on to you ladies. I became a health coach for Take Shape for Life to better help you ladies. So if you’re still not doing great on a food program and your weight and health is still a big issue then please have a look at my new website: www.HealthCoachHeleen.com

My Weight these days…

Up to date, July 2011, I have lost 29 pounds in 8 weeks and I just know that I can keep doing what I’m doing for a long time. So I hope to be back in a size 14 within the next month. Size 12 to 14 has been my size for many years now and what I have come to call my “peace weight” simply because I have not been able to get below that number without obsessing and focusing on food way too much again. However, I have to say that now for the first time I can see myself going back to a smaller size (which is actually right for my length and built) because I know that I can keep doing what I’m doing. This program is no fad diet, there is nothing weird to it. My cravings get less and less every day (the opposite usually happens on a fad diet). My energy level keeps climbing because of the high nutrients in the food, and because of the fast weight loss I’m so motivated to exercise and get out there.
I will come back to this page to update my story and my weight, especially for those of you who are watching to see where all this is going (rightfully so). You can also stay tuned by following my journal that I’m keeping on the forum: Heleen’s Journal on Take Shape for Life

I have been free from binges and especially the compulsive overeating that have been plaguing me the last year. I know that as long as I do the things consistently, stay far away from perfection and stay as close as humanly possible to God, I am doing great. And days that I don’t do so great, well that might just be part of God’s plan for me, so as long as He’s working in me, I will be working with Him.

Thank you God for your joy!

And I want to thank you, dear friend, for walking my journey with me. I trust that you are now well on your way to writing your own story. I am so excited to hear what’s going on with you. Please write me an email some time if you can.

But most importantly, if you’re not there yet, don’t quit, you’re just not at the last layer of your onion, but I bet most of those layers have come off already. You’re almost there!