Week 10 B

A TESTIMONY: Learning about “Good Enough”

I am convinced that I came into the world as a tiny perfectionist.

Even sinceI was a little girl, I simply had to be perfect. I remember my mom showing me how a lady is suppose to sit; with her hands in her lap and her legs crossed at the ankles. I was probably only 5 years old, but from that day on I tried to always sit and act in a way that a “perfect little lady” does, even though this image didn’t necessarily reflect my personality.

I previously spoke about my perfectionism and how it affected my relationships:

I tried to be the best friend, the best daughter, the best wife, and the best everything. If I couldn’t be best then I would rather just leave the whole thing. If you didn’t want to be my best friend then I would rather not be your friend at all. At the root of all of this was a deep fear of rejection.I truly believed that if I couldn’t not be perfect, I had no value, and people would reject me, so I rejected them first, before they could hurt me.

This caused a great deal of problems in my marriage.

According to my perfectionist outlook on things, our marriage had to be absolute bliss, or we should call it quits. There was no middle ground for me.

I couldn’t stand the mediocre, mellow times, when all was okay and everybody was alright, and nothing was really wrong, but nothing was really great either. To my horror I discovered that this state was what made up most of married life. There were fireworks alright, but they sure didn’t come every day, and then there were huge blow-ups, but thank goodness they too didn’t come every day.

It took me years to find out that there is such a thing as “good enough” and in order for life to be “great” at times, you have to make peace with “good enough” most of the time. Laying this part of perfectionism down was indeed hard for me. It felt like I was trading the fairytale of “live happily ever after” for “live kind of happy sort of ever after”.

The “all or nothing” mentality of perfectionism caused me to stay in the claws of eating disorders for way too long.

Even after I’ve dealt with all of my issues and I didn’t feel the trapped feeling of an eating disorder anymore, I still had a hard time being consistent. I still wanted to “eat it all” or “don’t eat at all”. To do everything in moderation was and sometimes still is very difficult for me.

I realized that I would never get to a place where I calm down and stay consistent in my eating and exercise before I didn’t deal with accepting a “good enough” weight.
I was never skinny, even as a kid. I wasn’t hugely overweight either, but if I just eat normally and get enough exercise I am probably a 12, maybe a 10.
Did I want to make peace with that? Are you kidding me? At times when I was in the death grip of eating disorders I wore a very small size clothing, and I couldn’t shake of the elated feeling of zipping up that tiny little pencil skirt.

Even after breaking free from bulimia (now 10 years ago), I would still drool over little summer dresses in stores, and cry when I try and fit one on in my size. It’s not that it looked so bad, it’s more that I wanted it to look like the dress on the mannequin.

So how do you deal with the pain of wanting to wear pretty clothes and anything from 10 up doesn’t look the way it should – especially if you’re used to fit into those when you were still anorexic or bulimic? Unfortunately most of us feel bad, beat ourselves up, and think that there must be something better to help us lose weight than just doing things consistently.

The matter of the fact is that, even if you find something that will help you lose weight fast and nourish your body, such as one of the meal replacement programs I’ve followed recently – YOU STILL HAVE TO LEARN TO EAT SMALL HEALTHY MEALS CONSISTENTLY – EXERCISE CONSISTENTLY AND MOST IMPORTANTLY – SPEND TIME WITH GOD CONSISTENTLY – BEFORE AND AFTER YOU’VE LOST THE WEIGHT. If you don’t give up the perfectionism, you can follow the greatest food plan in the world, lose all the weight, and still not be able to keep it off, because you will keep reaching for “something out there that is more perfect than what you have”

In fact, gaining weight again after you’ve lost it CAN BE DEVASTATING. Please be sure that you are following a program with enough support to help you sustain the weight loss AND TEACHES YOU TO BE CONSISTENT – NOT PERFECT.

Examples of such support would be to join a Weight Watchers Group, an OA group (Christian group is preferred), or a Celebrate Recovery Group. You can also follow a food plan that is both NUTRITIOUS and HELP WITH FOOD CRAVINGS with the help of a nutritionist and CHRISTIAN COUNSELOR or walk out your journey with the help of a health coach.

There is one thing that breaks the back of Eating Disorders and that is CONSISTENTLY DOING THE RIGHT THING, and Perfectionism opposes Consistency on every level.

So here’s what used to happen to me in the past before I dealt with my perfectionism:

1. I would recognize that CONSISTENCY is the right thing to do: I would go to the gym regularly and keep to Weight Watchers by eating regular healthy meals in moderation (I would also eliminating my addictive foods to eliminate cravings). After a while I would stop thinking about food, relax and actually experience my life. I would start to get my confidence back and feel comfortable in my body even though I still had some weight to lose, because I knew in my heart that this was something I could keep doing.
I’ve also experience this same peace when I followed Take Shape for Life. I have always thought meal replacements or programs where you get your food pre-made to be fad diet because of the faster weight loss, but I stand corrected: It really also teaches you to CONSISTENTLY eat small meals that are rich in nutrients and get rid of food cravings by eliminating addictive foods.

However, as with Weight Watchers, if you wander from the CONSISTENT path of “just keep doing the right thing everyday” – you end up looking for another solution where you can eat big bowls of food and not gain weight (dangerous methods such as purging or a diet that only have you eat one thing)

Unfortunately, even though I know that the “consistent path” is the only true way to maintain a healthy weight and have a real relationship with God, I would hit these “bumps” in the road. I would be invited to some special occasion where I had to see old friends and I would obviously want to look my best. Unfortunately my perfectionism would immediately translated this to “I have to look my skinniest” – even at times when I was not really over weight.

I would go through my closet and decide that I had nothing PERFECT to wear. I would go shop for something and catch a glimpse of myself in the three-way-mirror under the brighter-than-the-sun lights and I would feel weak and shaky. Everything I fit on would just not look as PERFECT as the image I still carried around in my head of what the “perfect me” is supposed to look like.

After a good dose of self abuse I would be utterly exhausted and depressed. I would drag myself over to a Starbucks and buy the biggest mocha and piece of chocolate cake I could find. I knew that I wasn’t planning on calculating the cake or the mocha. Actually in my sub conscience I would have already decided to never calculate anything again. This was my kick-off for turning again to a full blown fad diet or dangerous method. I would feel tears stinging my eyes and I would throw half of the mocha in the garbage as I head out the door while mumbling to myself: “I have to do something!”

At home I would be on the internet for hours, trying to find a way to lose the extra weight. I wouldn’t care if it looked scary or phony, I just needed to lose weight fast (and preferably still be able to eat a lot). I would always feel so ashamed. How could I ever let anybody see me like this? How do I even show my face in public? Note that I would not even necessarily have been obese at this point – sometimes I was, but most of the time the “thing” that I was after was to portray a “perfect image” and it could only be done (in my mind) by being super skinny.

I would finally order some pills that claimed to curb your appetite or buy bags of chicken wings to “only eat meat for a months”. I knew it’s wasn’t healthy, but I appeased my guilty conscience with the thought that this was just to lose some weight fast. I would also promise myself that after this, when these pills were all gone, I would eat healthy again and maintain my weight (again the infamous lie).

I once bought some appetite suppressants that a friend recommended. I was “desperate” again and I went ahead and ordered the pills. They were supposed to be “all natural” so it could ‘t be bad for you, right? It “worked” for a little while – not in any good way but as far as that I didn’t have much of an appetite. Of course I didn’t feel well either, in fact I felt sick and super depressed – and it kept getting worse. I stopped going to the gym. But hey, as long as I wasn’t hungry it was worth it, right? I would live on a few small pieces of bread and jam, maybe a small chocolate. After a week I shed a few pounds, and would still not have much of an appetite, but I was also missing vitamins in my body and a general zeal for life. I would yell at the kids and pick fights with my husband. The “natural pills” were obviously wreaking havoc with my central nervous system, but hey, I was desperate…
After about 30 days on the “natural pills” my appetite started coming back. I was very familiar with the cycle of diet pills and recognized it immediately: There’s only one way to keep it up – you have to use more to keep it working and in the end it ruins your health.

At this point I would typically “crack” (after recognizing that it was either impossible or lethal for me to continue). So I would go to the store and buy a whole list of my addictive food. It was over, I did it again – I would just start eating everything I could think of (that didn’t contain anything remotely healthy) for the next two weeks. I would easily pick up 5 pounds or more…

Usually after each one of these “episodes” I ended up going to the special occasion with one of my old outfits and more ashamed than ever. Even if I did manage to lose a few pounds the “after-diet” freedom would hit me as soon as the bride says “I do”. On the way home I would stop at the store and load up on goodies. After all the stress I always reckoned that I deserved it. Needles to say, during the next week I would feel the withdrawal of the appetite suppressants or whatever dangerous method I chose, I would have absolutely no energy, and I would stop going to the gym (after weeks of vigorous exercise), and I would of course be binging for the next three months…

Eventually, after many months of agony, guilt, and shame I would be ready to take another look at CONSISTENCY

At some point I got it! God showed me that …

My body is “good enough” to be treated well CONSISTENTLY – I don’t have to wait to be thin before I take good care of my body

A food plan that helps me eat healthy smaller meals CONSISTENTLY is “good enough” – even if it takes time to lose the weight

Going for a walk or to the gym a few times a week and pacing myself is “good enough”

Falling is part of the journey, even if I eat something off my plan, I can simply pick-up at the next meal, it is still “good enough”

I don’t ever have to believe the lie again that “I will just use this last dangerous method and then start being CONSISTENT after I’ve lost the weight” – because that one day NEVER comes

I can choose to daily believe the truth that “TODAY IS A GIFT FROM GOD TO CHANGE MY FUTURE – WHAT I DO RIGHT NOW WILL CHANGE MY TOMORROW”

Reaching for Perfection will keep you from consistency forever. The two never meet.

The same was true for my relationship with God.

I had to have the perfect Bible study, the perfect Bible, the perfect highlighter and the perfect pen. Then it had to be the perfect time of day, in the perfect chair with the perfect silence.
Only one small problem: It’s impossible! Life doesn’t happen that way!

I also procrastinated with things such as the best time to actually spend time with God. I simply had to do it in the early morning or I was sure my day would be a disaster and I would be a horrible mom. Needless to say, with a baby that kept me up all night, a husband that had to leave early, and kids that needed to be dragged out of bed for home schooling, nothing came of my early morning devotions.

Oh how I wished to be one of those mighty women of God who woke up at 4am and spent hours in zealous prayer. So naturally I had only two choices: Perfection or Procrastination. I chose the latter and procrastinated myself out of years of Bibles study and intimate times with God.

Today I’m better off reminding myself that time talking to God in the car, on the toilet, in the shower, and 5 minutes of Bible study in between home schooling is “good enough”. This is the only way to go forward. Perfection and Procrastination can only keep you hanging for years – going nowhere, except into the pit of despair. I still have those amazing long times with God and in the Word, but they are not the rule. To keep my relationship with the lover of my soul consistent and current, I had to let go of my perfection and settle for good enough most of the time.

I also struggled with the legalism excuse that can come in handy for any Perfectionist /Procrastinator: What if a daily devotion in the midst of screaming children and the washer pounding it’s way to the front door, is just doing it legalistically? What if I am just trying to do things to be seen and it’s not really a heart thing? Maybe I should not do it all.
Nope! Sometimes plain and simple obedience is more than “good enough” and those thought are simply the enemy trying you to procrastinate some more.

Come into His presence girl, just the way you are, never mind how imperfect the moment or the circumstances – HIS ARMS ARE ALWAYS OPEN WIDE AND THE REWARDS ARE PRICELESS.

Needless to say, exercise was an issue too:

Things had to be “just so” or I would not hear of it: I had to exercise at the gym. I had to go first thing in the morning. I had to stay for at least an hour and then make sure to do weights as well. I had to go at least five times a week, wearing the right clothes and make-up too (my way of making up for the fact that I was not perfectly skinny)

What a relief when I gave the “exercise perfectionist” the boot, and decided that 3 to 4 times a week for 45 minutes and some weights is “good enough”. I went even further and realized that this can even be done in 10 minute stretches throughout the day if I couldn’t fit it all into my morning, and that too will be “good enough”. In fact, if I now can only make it to the gym once on a particular week (even at 9pm at night) it will still be “good enough”

Consistency: I’m going forward, even if it’s one tiny step at a time, right?