LOOKING BACK: DAD

A QUICK REVIEW:

There exist at least two very good reasons why we have to take this journey into the past: According to several research and eating disorder experts, our relationships with our parents and close family members play a major role in our eating disorders. It’s not that we’re looking for someone to blame, but rather that we want to understand where these things come from, so that we can make amends or forgive, where appropriate, and not repeat this behavior in our current families. It is often said that eating disorders are just the symptoms for much deeper issues or roots. Some of these issues such as bitterness, unforgiveness, shame, guilt and pride originated in past experiences and relationships. So in order to remove that “root cause” we have to go back to the source.

VERY IMPORTANT: We should never look back with the purpose of finding someone to blame, this is not helpful and certainly not Biblical. But we should look back in order to go through the process of grieving lost relationships or parts of our childhood that has been taken from us. You see if we don’t go through the process of grieving and then forgiving, we are never released from this pain. It keeps haunting us and we keep numbing it with food or eating disorders, but it never goes away. As we forgive those who hurt us, we can move forward and we don’t repeat the same mistakes in our present families

How do you look back at your past?

Open up your heart to God in prayer: Resist the fear that comes from the enemy (2Tim 1:7) God never convicts us to harm or destroy us, but he ALWAYS convicts us to bring healing and reconciliation. Even if you cry many tears and go through deep emotions, God will hold you safely in His hand. Remember that He is the potter and we are the clay and He has promised to never leave us nor forsake us. In Isaiah 9:6 God is called the Wonderful Counselor, Prince of Peace, Mighty God and Everlasting Father. Please remember that your pain is not too big for God!

NOW:

What about Dad?

There is a big correlation between a girl’s self image and her relationship with her Dad.
Our Dads are the first male figures in our lives and the way they behave towards us plays a huge role in how we see ourselves.

A dad’s comments towards his daughter can have a profound impact on her, and his deeds, whether good or bad can shape the way she sees herself.

Now if you’ve had a loving Dad who affirmed you, complimented you and instructed you in the Word of God, then you are one of the rare lucky ones out there who probably do not struggle with a low self image.

The reality is that most of us did not have this positive experience.
We live in a society where the dad’s are emotionally distant or absent all together. In a staggering number of instances dads are also physically, mentally or sexually abusive. All of this wreak havoc on the heart of a little girl.

This can cause a little girl to believe the lie that she has no value, that she is not worthy of love and respect, and that no decent man would ever want her.

Research has shown that negative comments from male family members such as your dad or brothers can cause a girl to start dieting at a very young age, even if it was just meant as “teasing”.

Why some Dads leave, neglect or abuse:

I believe that Satan goes for the men, because they are the heads of their houses, and they represent God the Father to their families here on earth. They are suppose to love, protect and care for their families. They are standing between us and Satan’s attacks, interceding for their families. So Satan is always trying to get dads to abdicate their God given position, so that he can wreak havoc in the lives of the women and children involved.

The enemy uses things such as work pressure, luring pleasures, temptation, divorce, suicide, depression, violence, addiction, incarceration and abuse to “remove” husband and fathers from the scene.

These absent fathers leave behind emotionally shattered women and vulnerable, confused children. Children usually believe that they are to blame for the dad leaving. Most of the time their moms are not able to refute these lies, because of her own brokenness and her preoccupation with fighting for survival.

The enemy will use vulnerable times of pain to plant a lie in the heart of a little girl:

When Dad left

THE LIE: I have to do anything to keep other people (especially the men in my life) happy or they will leave me

A girl who’s Dad left, for whatever reason, feels deep rejection and abandonment.
Fear for rejection can easily become the driving force of her life. She will work feverish to avoid rejection by trying to please everyone around her, especially the men in her life.

When Dad was emotionally distant

THE LIE: I have to do anything to attract the attention of men

A girl whose dad was emotionally distant has so many unanswered questions. “Was I not pretty enough? Was it something I did? Did he think that I was so fat that he was disgusted in me? Why could he never give me a hug, did I disgust him? Why would he never talk to me or look at me, am I so hideous? Why could he never take me with him, was he so ashamed of me?”

It is so tragic, because a dad’s emotional distant behavior has everything to do with his own inadequacies and his background and nothing with his daughter.
Yet, she believes the lie that she is not worthy of a man’s affection, and start chasing after the attention and affirmation of men, any men. She becomes flirtatious and promiscuous when she is among men. She gets branded by the other women as “cheap” or “easy”. She will in fact trade sex for a speck of love, acceptance or just plain attention. She is starving for a few crumbs off the table.

But this is not what’s in her heart. She knows that she doesn’t want to be this way. She cries herself to sleep, because all she ever wanted was for Dad to hold her and tell her that he loved her and that she was beautiful to him. She needed so much to hear that she had something worth while to offer, that had nothing to do with physical appearance.

These girls might also try and get Dad’s attention by working very hard in school or at her career, just so that her dad might be proud of her, or at least see her.

In the same way she might try and do everything perfect, and be the perfect daughter to her dad, even though he might not appreciated it or even notice it. Sometimes though, he might actually notice her hard work, and this will make her try even harder, pushing herself beyond all human strength.

Trying to be perfect, and trying to change to fit someone else’s expectations is an accident waiting to happen. These “perfect girls” can not cope with the stress and their bodies usually starts to rebel against the harsh treatment.

Eating disorders and food can easily become a way for the above mentioned girl to cope or to try and get control of a runaway life.

When Dad was abusive

THE LIE: I must have done something to provoke or deserved the abuse

This is one of the most devastating things that can happen to the heart of a little girl. The one who was suppose to protect her and give her confidence and strength in life, robbed her of it all.

So much damage occurs in the life of a little girl that has been hurt in this horrific way. She loses trust in those who should protect her.

She might turn away from men altogether. Her view of men can be permanently distorted, so much so that she hates all men and turn to a lesbian life style. She might believe the lie of the enemy that no man will ever be able to understand her or meet her emotional and physical needs.

Others who have been sexual abused may go the opposite way and become promiscuous, always trying to get the attention of men and never able to say no to them. This can go on way into adulthood. Most of these women say that they don’t get much pleasure out of the sex, they just want to feel normal and accepted. Some suffer from sexual addictions and may even turn to a lifestyle of prostitution.

Some girls feel that they have lost control of their whole life, including their bodies and minds. The only way that they know to cope with life is to take control of their eating:

Girls with anorexia find they can at least control eating, while the rest of their lives are under the control of someone else’s abuse.

Others binge to numb the pain of the abuse: they “shelter’ their bodies with enough excess fat so that men will not find them attractive.

Some turn to bulimia to keep “cleaning” themselves with the purging part, while they also use the binging to numb the pain.

Lots of girls who have been abused by their fathers blame themselves, and still try to please their dads after everything they have gone through. Some of them have been made to believe that because they “enjoyed” sexual abuse(a normal physical reaction that might have occurred and that had nothing to do with morality or “goodness”) they are “bad” and deserved the abuse. Instead of setting clear boundaries with their dads, they try to talk and behave perfectly so that dad will not get upset or treat them abusively.

These girls sometimes use perfectionism to keep external things in order; trying to hide the chaos they feel inside.

Why some daughters quit:

Sometimes a dad changes and tries to make up for the lost years by the time his daughter is a teenager or a young woman. This might be too late for her though. If she was not used to receive a lot of physical or emotional attention as a little girl, she will most likely feel very uncomfortable with all of this now.

After years of believing that she was not good enough and after years of using an eating disorder to numb the pain and “improve” herself, she might very well be irritable and angry, with her dad’s attempts to heal the relationship.

If this is true for you, you are probably grieving those lost years, and you have buried all your feelings. You need some time to regain your trust and to access those buried feelings.

The same thing can happen where a dad didn’t necessarily leave or abuse his daughter, but he disappointed her with his short temper, weak communication skills and lack of understanding for women, over a period of time.

The relationship might be shallow, because the daughter will pull back into her corner. She will still interact with her Dad on a superficial level, but this will hardly be a deep and open relationship. It will be more like a relationship with a long lost relative: You care about the person, a little: You know the person, a little: You sometimes wish you were closer, but for the most part you’re just indifferent.

When Dad loves too much

Sometimes in a relationship where a girl’s parents have a shaky relationship or where the mother is absent, the father might turn to his daughter for companionship. It may or may not be sexual in nature, but it is devastating to a girl’s self image in both instances.

When it is sexual in nature, she will be deeply scarred, but may at least have her mother’s support. In the case where it is also emotional and the dad uses his daughter to spite his wife, the daughter suffers a double blow: Her dad abuse her and her mom will most likely feel threatened by her and might even abandon her.

These situations are heart breaking. If a dad hurts his daughter in this way, he robs her of so much. She will not only carry the shame of an unnatural and sick relationship, but she will feel intense guilt for “stealing” her mother’s husband. She might also feel a unhealthy sense of responsibility to be her Father’s “wife” in the sense of giving him the emotional support that he was supposed to get from his wife, and keeping him happy at all cost. He might share secrets and worries with her that are totally inappropriate for her level of maturity.
This form of abuse is called Emotional incest, and could have been used by either one of the parents.

In the above mentioned situation, a girl’s self image will be so shattered that she will most likely turn to an eating disorder or any other addiction to numb the pain and make herself invisible.

How does she ever recover, you might ask?
How can a dad hurt his own daughter in such a way?
Where is the justice?
What can be done?

There is only one hope: The Love of and Everlasting Father…

Please seek further counsel for any form of abuse. Abuse leaves us shattered. I had to deal with a form of emotional incest and I know that it takes time to work through the layers of self protection that we built around our hearts. But once we get through the pain, we are ready to open our hearts to our Caring Parent and receive true healing.

Forgiving Dad

Some women resent their dads, not only for their own lives, but also for the hurt that they caused their mothers. These ladies have picked men just like their fathers and find themselves in the same battles their mothers faced, which amplifies their resentment towards their dads.

If this is true for you, you might consider the fact that you didn’t have all the details when you were a little child. Ask yourself the following:
Do you still believe that the conflict between your parents were only one sided?
Do you still think that you have to carry your mom’s burden, being angry at you dad for her sake, or do you now realize that this was something between them?
Your mom might have forgiven him and moved on a long time ago, while you still harbor bitterness about what your dad did to your mom.

Ask God to help you forgive your dad, and help you lay down the false responsibility you feel for you mom’s happiness.

Knowing more about your dad’s childhood and background can help you with forgiveness. Sometimes, when we see the dysfunction in our dad’s childhood, it makes us understand better. I am in no way saying that you should condone his sinful actions, and I believe that he should still be kept responsible for his actions, but understanding and sympathy can help you to forgive.

God wants us to forgive our dads regardless of what they did. As with our moms, it doesn’t mean that they are free from the consequences of their sinful actions: God will deal with them because he is a just judge and he has all the details.

Remember the reason we forgive: We have to forgive so that we can be untangled from the pain, and be free from eating disorders.

Important: If there was any kind of abuse, we have to put boundaries in place to keep us safe and prevent future abuse. I would also strongly advise that you get some counseling if you have been abused. The abuse probably affected many areas in you life, and eating disorders might be only one of the symptoms. People who suffered from abuse might still believe that they were to blame. And although forgiveness is a crucial part of recovery for you, you might have to deal with other areas before you can take this step.

Finding truth at the feet of the true Father

See Psalm 27:10 (AMP)
Although my father and my mother have forsaken me, yet the Lord will take me up [adopt me as His child].

This lie covers the hearts of most girls who had an absent or abusive Dad:
There must be something wrong with me: The only way I can have VALUE is if I change my APPEARANCE and PERFORMANCE

The truth is:

Your Dad failed you!

 

He failed to love and protect you, and he failed to tell you the truth: You have value as a person; as a woman; just the way you are; right now

 

Don’t take my word for it:

Psalms 139: 13-16 (AMP)
For You did form my inward parts; You did knit me together in my mother’s womb. I will confess and praise You for You are fearful and wonderful and for the awful wonder of my birth! Wonderful are Your works, and that my inner self knows right well.
My frame was not hidden from You when I was being formed in secret [and] intricately and curiously wrought [as if embroidered with various colors] in the depths of the earth [a region of darkness and mystery].
Your eyes saw my unformed substance, and in Your book all the days [of my life] were written before ever they took shape, when as yet there was none of them.

What we don’t seem to get it that He, the King of kings, the Creator of all things, the Everlasting Father DOESN’T MAKE ANY MISTAKES!
He didn’t make a few beautiful ones, a few athletic ones and a few smart ones and the rest was just duds that he thought “Oh well, just toss them in with the bunch” – NO, God knew exactly what he was doing when He created you and me, He knew exactly what our purposes are. We just don’t always know …

So what if you are one of the beautiful ones?
Some girls develop eating disorders because they feel guilty for having natural beauty. Their guilt usually stems from other people’s insecurities and jealousy.
If God blessed you with a beautiful complexion and body shape, then there must be a reason, far greater than being popular or receiving compliments.
By finding out why God gave you this gift, you can turn what seems to be a “curse” at times into a blessing for you and others.

If you are one of the athletic or smart ones then you must also not ask why, not feel guilty about it, and not think that you’re somehow better than the rest. You too, received a gift from God, nothing more and nothing less. Finding out why God gave you this gift and pursuing your purpose will be your thank you to God.

If you are none of the above, then there is a very specific reason for it. You already know what your strong points and passions are; those things that make you unique. If you are not super model material and you will never run in the Olympics, then your purpose have obviously nothing to do with appearance or physical endurance, and by trying to change yourself into being thin, pretty, or athletic you are totally wasting your time and missing the whole beauty of you!

Think about this: What if our society’s emphasis wasn’t so much on appearance? What if it was all about being able to swim under water. What if that would make you the most popular person. What if they talked and wrote in the tabloids about the beautiful women with their snorkels and flippers? Now what if you hated water, could not swim, were allergic to sea weed and felt trapped under water? How can you then ever have any value? See how ridiculous this is to equate a person’s value with their outward appearance or their performance?

Please consider this: If the way God made you doesn’t fit the media’s portrayal of beauty, then does that mean God made a mistake, or could it be that the media is wrong about you? It is time to find out why you look the way you do, why you love the things you do, and why you have the personality you have. I believe God has a beautiful plan with all our lives: Like a huge intricate puzzle, and we all fit somewhere. Imagine that beauty, popularity, thinness, smarts and all these things were just viewed as talents, and we held each other accountable, without envy or insecurities, to each use our talents. What if the things you had to offer counted just as much and received the same emphasis as beauty and appearance? Actually it does, just not always on this fallen planet! Don’t be misled by the media, it is the mouthpiece of a deeply flawed world, and sadly lots of Dads have bought into these lies of appearance and performance.

God says that He is your Everlasting Father. He loves you so much, and guess what: It has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with your appearance or performance. Need proof?

1 Samuel 16:7b (AMP) says:
For the Lord sees not as man sees; for man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.

You are so valuable to God!

Right Now!

Just the way You are!

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