Week 7 A
LOOKING BACK: MOM
Dearest woman of God,
I’m sure you know the drill by now:) Please check off the areas that we previously dealt with, in order for you to get an idea of how you’re doing. If you have not made any progress in this area it might be a good idea to ask for some prayer by sending me an email or posting on our Members Forum. You might also look into some counseling, or support from a friend or pastor to speed up your healing.
- Have you recognized some lies of Satan, the world, and the media that you’ve been buying into?
- Did some of these lies come up in your mind lately?
- Did you make note cards with the truth of God’s Word and have you been reading these to stand against the lies?
- Did you see some connections between the media and your eating disordered behavior? Are you willing to remove these influences for a period of time to break the hold that it has on you?
- Have you detected prejudice in your heart against overweight people? Did you repent from this sin?
- Are you starting to live in the present?
- Which “good things” did you give to your body this last week? Can you do more to take care of your body?
- Have you thought about reaching out to others in need to get your eyes off your difficult circumstances?
- How about time alone with God? I keep on asking this, not to make you feel condemned at all, but because this was and still remains the one thing that the enemy attacks most in my life. The reason: In God’s presence we are changed for good!
Why look back?
Good question: Why do we have to dig through things in our past that are best left alone?
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There exist at least two very good reasons why we have to take this journey into the past:
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VERY IMPORTANT: We should never look back with the purpose of finding someone to blame, this is not helpful and certainly not Biblical. But we should look back in order to go through the process of grieving lost relationships or parts of our childhood that has been taken from us. You see if we don’t go through the process of grieving and then forgiving, we are never released from this pain. It keeps haunting us and we keep numbing it with food or eating disorders, but it never goes away. As we forgive those who hurt us, we can move forward and we don’t repeat the same mistakes in our present families |
Don’t be fooled by the enemy!
He will try and use pride, denial and fear in our lives to prevent us from looking back. These sinful patterns keep us away from the ONLY TRUE GOD and keep us hanging on to our false god (food or starvation).
Expect thoughts such as:
“There was nothing wrong in my family”
“I don’t want to go there, it’s too scary and painful”
“I have dealt with it all, I’m not going to go there again”
I had thoughts just like these, and I honestly believed that I’ve dealt with my past and there couldn’t be anything else there. Yet, I was still battling an eating disorder. The truth was that I really didn’t want to go there just in case there was more. I didn’t want to hurt again. In the end it hurt to heal instead of keep on hurting me. I was grateful I looked back one more time.
If you’re not sure about looking at your past, please go read my testimony in Section 2 of this week
How do you look back at your past?
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Let’s NOT talk about MOM
If you read my testimony you will see that this was the most difficult area for me to deal with. I simply didn’t want to see or hear anything remotely wrong with my relationship with my Mom. I refused to go there.
I was amazed to find out that I was not alone. Apparently most women find it hard to deal with this area. The first time I talked to ladies in a group about their moms, their response caught me totally off guard. They reacted in anger towards me for even mentioning their moms. I was baffled, it was as if their moms were untouchable and exploring their feelings in this area would be disloyal. I knew exactly how they felt.
Yet, when we finally mustered up the courage to face the influence our mothers had on our lives (and eating) it proved to be a huge turning point for all of us. Although I would never say that this is the primary thing that needs to change, I will say that it, together with others factors, play a crucial part in our healing.
After those ladies initial reaction, we started talking, not so much about our moms at first, but more about the reason that we don’t want to go there.
We talked about the connection we felt with our mothers. It was as if we, as daughters, were connected to them in a way that was beyond our own understanding.
One lady mentioned that she felt as if she was a part of her mother, and that looking critically at her mother would be to put herself under a microscope as well.
I think this is very true for all of us. Not only do we share genetic makeup with our moms, but they were our first female role model and so laid the foundation in our formative years of what it is to be a women and how to treat your own body. Also, we essentially walk the same path of maturing into womanhood, becoming wives and having children. So if we ever felt hurt by them, we tend to justify their behavior more as we grow older, because we find ourselves in the same situations, maybe even acting in the same ways. We can now relate to them so much more, because we now understand about PMS, we experience the hardships in marriage, and we’ve lost all illusions about being the perfect mom once we have children of our own.
A friend who lost her mom to cancer told me that it was incredibly hard for her to have to look back. She said it felt as if she was dishonoring her mother’s legacy, and yet she knew in her heart that her mom would have wanted her to find healing. I once read somewhere that to find healing for ourselves is not a selfish thing at all. If we heal we also bring healing to the generations before and after us. So every woman that stop and take care of herself, and find healing, give to her mom and her daughters.
The real difficult part in all of this lays in the fact that to judge our mothers’ would be to judge ourselves. Thinking about the pain they caused us, would be to think about the pain we are causing. To ask them to change would be to have to change as well. And to forgive them would be to forgive ourselves too, and move forward.
So to look back at our relationships with our mothers, is a bitter sweet thing. So much good can come of it, but it will be difficult before it get’s better. It will hurt us to look back, before it can heal us. And yet, healing can not come any other way…
Pursuing healing in the relationship with your Mom is not selfish. In fact, it could be the beginning of a cycle of healing for her and her mother too, and your healing will have an incredible impact on your descendants.
What is there to look at?
If you are still hostile towards this whole concept of digging in the past, especially concerning your Mom, then let this animosity be you main indicator that you might need to dig: I found that women who don’t have hidden pain in this area don’t mind thinking and talking about it at all.
Mom’s example
Let’s first of all look at your Mom’s influence on your eating:
Research shows that children learn primarily by what we model and not so much by what we say. Hence the expressions: “Teach by example” or “Practice what you preach”. So what your mom modeled through her eating habits, physical activity, dieting behaviors, and body image influenced you more than you would ever know.
The shocking part is that these influences start at a very early age. Just as a little girl likes to put on Mommy’s shoes and jewelry, she “fits” on Mom’s way of eating, taking care of herself, and talking about herself.
There are two sides to this coin: The child who sees her mom eat and watch TV all the time are at risk, but the one who sees her mom obsess about calories and skipping meals, are also in grave danger of developing an eating disorder.
We sometimes make the mistake, I know I did, of thinking that our children don’t see, because they don’t say anything. Yet one day you might find them act just like you, because they did see, and they internalized this as the correct way to behave towards food and their bodies.
Because girls are usually more sensitive than boys, they are especially at risk when they hear their moms talk about their own bodies in derogatory terms. They can easily project their mother’s words on their own bodies: If she think she’s fat and ugly then I must be fat and ugly too.
Girls also tend to pick up on non verbal cues, such as: Not taking care of our bodies and ignoring it’s needs for healhty food, exercise, rest, and restoration in God’s presence. If they see you work from dawn till dusk, never resting, never praying, and hardly eating, they will find it extremely hard to take care of their own bodies.
Pleasing Mom
All girls live to please their moms. We have an overwhelming yearning for them to see us, and to approve of how we look and act.
I heard from a lady in one of my groups how she could never let go of having her mother’s approval. Her mom had physically abused her as a child and even as a teenager and she was still verbally abusing her as an adult. Yet, she couldn’t stay away from her mother or be assertive about what she needed.
I guess this ties in with the most basic need that every child has: To be loved and taken care of by his or her mother.
She is the first person we encounter, the first one we depend on for survival, and the first one we look to for love and affirmation. If this is withheld from a child, it causes deep seated emotional problems.
Like my friend, a child that has been deprived from the basic necessities, might keep going back to the one who was responsible for the pain: looking for something, anything…
So how does one stop this unhealthy attachment?
She has to let go of the picture she created in her mind of the perfect mother and face the reality. She has to work through the pain and the process of grieving her lost childhood, then get to a place where she ask God to help her forgive and let go of unrealistic expectations. I know I make it sound so simple and straight forward, but it never is. If you find yourself in a situation such as my friend, you will be needing the help of a counselor to work through all the layers.
FIRST: Let go of the “Perfect Mother”
Many of us walk around with a perfect Ideal of a mother in our heads. To be free from the pain surrounding that ideal we have to face the reality: There is no such thing as a perfect mother.
The reality is that mothers are just human: They make mistakes, they hurt themselves and their children, they control, they abandon, they sin, and they can even love too much.
The bottom line: Usually they do the best they can with the circumstances they have.
As long as we keep wanting our mother to “be a real mother” or “be a real grandma”, we are still imposing our ideas of the “perfect mother” on them. It is too much to handle for any human being. You can not be the perfect daughter and she can not be the perfect mom. Just let it go!
This doesn’t mean you just have to let her hurt you. You are responsible for you, not for her. You can decide what you can handle and how much. Let her live her life, but don’t let her control yours.
If your mom never accepted the “not so good” parts of your personality, but always pushed you for perfection, you might expect the same of her. It’s time to let each other off the hook. Relax! Make some mistakes! Life is too short to try and be perfect. It takes an enormous amount of energy, time and money to chase after perfection, just to realize in the end that it was only a phantom.
By accepting this reality, we also let ourselves off the hook. We can relax and stop trying to be perfect at mothering. We can never do everything right. We will hurt our children without meaning to or even knowing that we did. But by letting them know that the perfect mother does not exist, we free them from the burden of unmet expectations.
SECOND: Abandon the “Perfect daughter”
Do you know her? She lives with a lot of us, especially those women who had an abusive mom or a mom who could only accept our “good parts”. She is called the Perfect Daughter and she controls our every move:
- Every time we dress, decorate, bake, talk, sing, eat, or breathe for that matter, she checks every detail and she whips us into shape, because she knows that we are not good enough.
- Actually, she reminds us daily that we will never be good enough.
- She tells us of our mother’s expectations of us, and she reminds us to keep working towards those expectations.
- She hammers on our faults and reprimand us for having them, reminding us that we should be ashamed.
- She signs us up for every self-improvement course there is, and she always reminds us that we need to change some more.
- She takes every negative remark our mothers ever made and blows it up until our whole life becomes a quest for mom’s approval.
- She is especially at work if all we ever heard was criticism and abuse. She wouldn’t mind picking up right where our abusive mother left off. She will never let you put boundaries on your abusive mother, because that will cause her to lose her sickening grip on you. She will have you bend over backwards to, even as an adult, have your mother’s approval; hoping for a speck of remorse, looking for a morsel of love from the woman that was suppose to give you these things for free.
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WARNING: The “Perfect Daughter” is a pest and a hypocrite. She is not you, but an unattainable image that Satan uses to keep you in bondage. You want to leave her behind, get rid of her, kick her under the butt if you have to, but don’t let her dictate your life anymore. If we keep hanging on to the illusion of being a perfect daughter, and becoming the one that has our mother’s unwavering approval, we will never get rid of eating disorders. Chasing this thing, is like chasing the wind. You will never find it, so you will never be content and you will never be satisfied with just being you. All this stress needs an outlet, and food or starvation is that outlet for us. |
Honor you Father and Mother
God commands us to honor our parents. He didn’t say we should only honor them if they deserve it, because he knew that parents are human and they will make mistakes and most likely hurt their children at times. I believe this is why he made it mandatory: The command is not for the parent so much, but for the spiritual and emotional well being of the child.
Exodus 20:12 (NIV)
Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.
Something else that is interesting here is that this command is the first to come with a promise: We will be blessed if we obey this command.
I have thought about this, it is almost as if God gave us an incentive, as if he really wanted us to do this one and knew that we would need a little encouragement to do it. Maybe because he knows that most parents just try their best with the resources that they have. We all have baggage, and we all have circumstances. Parents usually love their children and if they hurt them it is usually not on purpose but because of their own vulnerabilities and pain.
Ephesians 6:1-3 (NIV)
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— “that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”
How do you honor your parents?
1. One way to honor your parents is to obey them:
Colossians 3:20 (NIV)
Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.
Proverbs 1:8-9 (NIV)
Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction
and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.
They will be a garland to grace your head
and a chain to adorn your neck.
2. Another way of honoring them is to not despise them or mock them, thus be respectful even if you don’t feel that they deserve it. Always remember that you too are going to be old one day, surrounded by a younger generation that seems to know everything and make you feel as if you know nothing, even though you’ve lived so much longer.
Proverbs 30:17 (NIV)
The eye that mocks a father,
that scorns obedience to a mother,
will be pecked out by the ravens of the valley,
will be eaten by the vultures.
We are kidding ourselves to think that we can treat our parents anyway we want and not reap the consequences. Not honoring our parents can greatly influence the course of our lives, according to the following verse:
Proverbs 20:20 (NIV)
If a man curses his father or mother,
his lamp will be snuffed out in pitch darkness.
3. 1Timothy 5 also speaks of caring for your parents and not let them be a burden to the church if you are able to take care of them. If we are in anyway able to help our parents and we refuse, God will hold us accountable. We have an obligation, according to the Word, to return some of the love that they have given to us as children.
Note: And even if we didn’t receive any love, we are still called to love everybody (even our enemies) with a Godly Agape love. So, we can ask God to give us His love for our parents.
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IMPORTANT: We should put clear boundaries on a parent who abused us or is still abusing us in any way. God never expects us to stay in a situation where we are abused. On the contrary: I believe that God will personally judge and deal with people who have harmed children in any way. They are in big trouble! Have a look at this verse: Matthew 18:6 (NIV)
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PS: Please help me improve the quality of our members area by using the comment box below to let me know if you pick up on any technical errors, spelling errors, or typos. Testimonies are always welcome as well:) Thank you
hi heleen this week i know will speak volumes to me ,this has always been quite a difficult one ,since i need to look at the area of rejection from my mother, it was not done in a direct way but it was there , and i grew up adoring my mother ,i suppose i was looking for approval all the time, and i suppose was always trying to please her ,my father and mother have passed away a while now ,but i do believe i still carry some stuff around with me ,i look forward to bringing this to the Lord Jesus , it will be painful but it will be a sweet pain as i do believe God will replace these things with good things ,Thank You for this program.